


You're Gone

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-28
Updated: 2006-07-05
Packaged: 2018-12-27 10:42:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12079449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: As Brian spend his nights alone and in the dark, he finally has regrets. He lies awake remembering him, remembering them. Everything has changed and it's about to change again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: Well, since my other story "Drunk on Shadows" will not post here for some reason (I have contacted the maintainers, but as of yet nobody has contacted me back about reason). So here's a new series I decided to start, hopefully this one will work.  


* * *

_I made this bed, i choose to lie it and live with my regrets._  
.. and maybe im just scared to face the things i feel.  
it's easier to walk away from everything. 

There is no doubt in my mind that I miss him. Although little over 3 years have past, my cold heart aches for him still. He kept me in line, kept me knowing I had changed. That there was hope for a better life than the piffle little crypt full of spiders and darkness I was staying in night after night, alone. That the loft (that I barely stayed at anymore) really was a home, but would falter if he wasn't ever going to come back. Nothing was right without him, not even hot water or 3am wakeups.

He was like sunshine, and ever since that day he left nothing has shone as bright as he ever did. Sometimes I wish I hadn't met him all those years ago, so then I wouldn't feel this pain. Then again, if I hadn't met him, I wouldn't understand half the things I do now. I'd still be a tired old man in his late 30's trying to pick up some hot ass. A tired old party boy. 

Every now and then I stayed in the loft, but most of the time I just stayed at Michaels or some hotel. It was too hard to go back there and god forbid I ever step inside that country mansion again without him. Althought the loft smelt of sick despair, it felt more like home. The streets wept as I walked through them, and the people faded. If my 29 year old self saw my 38 year old self, he'd be laughing in my face and calling me a stepford wife, or something equally..true. 

I called upon hungry and horney men, whose breath reeking of expensive bourbon and misplaced lust, to whore over for some nights, and I realized everytime it was wrong. Nothing would love me again, not like Justin. Although some men fawned over me, the infamous Brain Kinney. They'd give anything to shag me, and keep me on a mantle poiting out to their late night visitors that he was the guy who everybodys had and they finally got too. And now that I look back I realize I'm the whore, the peice of ass. Everyones had me. But the only person I ever want to have is the one person I drove away. Kind of like sickening poetry to some, but it was everything to me.   
The only time I really ever go to the loft is if I have Gus for the weekend. And even sometimes when the weekend I have with Gus falls on the same weekend Michael has Jenny then I'll stay there. I hear a knock at the loft door, and think to myself 'Now they knock, when they don't have to..' and walk over to slide the metal door open. A very excited looking Gus, Lindsay and Mel stood on the opposite side, smiling. 

"Dad!" Gus yells and flings himself foreward into my arms. "You'll never guess what happened today?" He yells again.  
I walk away from the door holding his hand, Mel and Linds following us. "What happened?" I say, leading us to the couch.  
"Mums bought me a puppy!" He jumped up and down on the couch excitedly.  
I look quickly at the couple, warningly.  
"Don't worry, he's not here.." Mel explains.  
"Thats great, sonny boy.." I say sitting on the couch with him still jumping on it. I try reaching over and taking his shoes off, since my couch is white I'd rather not have to pay 90 bucks to have some fat guy come in and clean it. After I remove his shoes successfully I ask him what he named it.   
"Puppy." He states, as if I didn't know already. I stick ym tounge into the side of my cheek and look at Lindsay.  
"So what are you broads doing here? I was waiting for your call to pick up Gus from the airport."   
"We decided to come here for a visit too, it's not fair Gus gets to travel here and we're stuck in Canada missing our friends." Mel explained. "So, here we are."  
"Here you aren't." I say, standing up. "This is my weekend with my son, the best part about it is you aren't around telling me what to feed him, how to play with him.."  
Lindsay shook her head as I started leading them to the doorway. "You know, you'd think after what happened you'd be happy to see some friendly faces."  
"After what happened?" I ask, nonchalantly, rolling my bottom lip into my mouth and tilting my head to the side.  
"You know," Lindsay says, stopping and turning around "After Justin called off the wedding and left."  
"First of all, we both decided not to get married" I sigh "Second, he didnt leave me we, again, both decided it was the best this for his career."  
There was a long silence when Mel finally said "You weren't dragging him behind."  
I scoffed, and pushed them a bit farther "This coming from the hater who clearly stated, and I quote 'look at all he's giving up just to be with you.' I didn't want him to look at me in 10 years and realize I fucked it all up for him."  
"I didn't mean it that way Brian!" She warned, pointing her finger at me "And you know it." Lindsays hand found her shoulder and her voice dropped. "I simply meant that relationships, of all kinds, take some sacrafices. I've sacraficed for Lindsay and she did the same for me. It's what made us realize this is where we want to be. And thats where Justin wanted to be, and it's what he was willing to sacrafice for you."  
"Well," I said pushing them furthur again "That was too big of a sacrafice, and I didn't want him to regret it one day."  
"He would have regretted not being with you, marrying you, even more.. and soon you'll realize that. He already has.." 

After they finally left I walked back over to Gus who had found the remote and began watching television. I watched him from the kitchen, smoking a bit, blowing it in the opposite direction, followed by an air sanitizer spray. I wish now that I'd been there the first years of his life. Payed more attention. Even though I don't like babies. I never have, I don't know if I ever will. They're too loud and fragile and don't laugh at my jokes. How could I possibly get along with them? And I panic if anyone offers me a chance to hold their baby. Not strangers, obviously. Believe it or not people don't come up to me in the street and say "Here, do you want to hold my child?" but I mean, people I know. Who have babies. I just get terrified I'm going to hold them wrong, or accidentally throw them from a sixth-storey window. 

I hear the phone ring and I decide not the answer it, nobody important calls the loft anymore.  
"Hey!" I hear Gus half yell. He had picked up the phone. I had forgotten Lindsay told me last week he loved answering doors and phones now. I begin walking over to him.  
"You sound sad.. want me to sing you a song?" I laugh slightly at his comment, he had sometimes said that to me. I would always say yes and he would automatically start singing "You are my sunshine" and though it hurt, I'd let him finish.  
"Whose Brian?" I laughed again, still letting him talk to this person. "Daddy is your name Brian?"  
I nodd and ask him to hand me the phone. "I'm in the middle of a call, daddy..." He explains with a snort and pulls the phone back to his ear.  
I sit on the couch and let him talk to the person for a minute.  
"Who are you?" He finally asks. "A friend of daddys?"   
I doubt it, Michael only knows to call me cell, and plsu Gus knows his voice.  
He pulls the phone away from his ear and looks at me "Who is Justin?"  
The smile drops from my mouth and I sit there, looking at Gus. "Gus.. give daddy the phone."  
"No, I wanna talk to Justin." He whines pulling the phone back from my reach.  
"Gus what did daddy tell you about behaving?" I said a bit sternly.  
"Fine!" He half yells then for the last time pulls the phone back to his ear. "Bye Justin!" 

He hands the phone to me and I tell him to sit and watch some television for a bit. I watch him sit on the couch and flip through the channels for a moment before clearing my throat and pulling the phone, finally, to my ear.


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: I dont know, its been a bit since i wrote this but Im getting it all together now. Enjoy, and please review or i won't continue.  


* * *

I can hear him breathing, light and unsteady. The last I heard from him was earlier this year, a message on my machine wishing me 'Happy Birthday'. He had sounded drunk and uncaring. I close my eyes and image him, his blonde hair falling in his eyes. His eyes.. fuck I missed them. His teenage waist, his firm shoulders and his lips. The way he pouted, the bones in his lower back, how each bump poked out. The way he could tear me down with one look, or one word.   
"H-hello?" I hear emerge from the distance the phone was from my ear. My voice caught in my throat. I hadn't said anything yet, I'd left us in silence until he finally said something. Thinking, now would be a good time to respond.  
"Hey.." I mumble, not really meaning to. I curse myself for not sounding a bit more confident and more.. nice? Im not an expert here but i'm sure I should sound nicer. I take the phone away from me, holding it out in the air and bite my lip in anger.

As the phone comes back into contact with my ear he's talking again..  
"I.. just wanted to see how you are.."  
"Fine." Again, I sound like an ass.  
"I just wonder because.. I've called you.. alot. You never pick up."  
Silence, I don't answer. What should I say?  
"Brian?"  
"I don't stay here much." I blurt out. Shaking my head as I say it as if he's standing in front of me and I'm denying something.  
"You don't stay at your loft? Why?" I hear some rustling and a woman speaking.  
"No I-"  
"DAD!" I hear Gus yell. I look over with the phone still glued to my face. Gus is upside down his face red, and slightly laughing. "HELP"  
"Gu-" I foget for a moment about Justin. "Hey, uh.. h-hold on."  
I put the phone on the couch and go pick Gus up and flip him on his butt.  
"Gus, I told you already about laying upside down.. you could hurt yourself."  
"Sorry"  
"It's ok.. just be more carefully sonny boy.." I kiss his forehead and smile a bit at him. After making sure he was safely sitting on his ass and handing him the remote again, I go back to the phone.  
Clearing my throat I apologize.  
"It's alright.." He says lowly, barely audible. "How is Gus?"  
"He's big. Annoying. Smiles alot."  
He lets out a small laugh, and even though I want to, I don't.  
  
"So.. you're okay?" I hear wind blowing in the phone he's on and large groups of people talking.  
"I'm always fine." I lie.  
"Well, alright." He hesitates for a bit. "I uh, guess I'll go then."  
Now it's my turn to hesitate.  
"See you." then my other half kicks in, even though I protest a bit "J-Justin?"  
"Yeah?"  
"How are you?" then I hear him sigh. Almost out of relief.  
"Im good."   
  
Theres some more silence and I whisper 'Good'. I smile a bit and take a look at Gus, making sure he's not overly enduging himself in the cartoon network. Sometimes I really hate him watching the T.V. I'd really rather read to him or colour.. something other than the goddamn idiot box.  
"Brian?"   
"hm?"  
"I miss you.."  
  
My words caught in my throat, the clentching feeling in my chest is back and I can feel my eyes flicker a bit.  
"Yeah.." was all I could say.  
"And.. I'm coming back."  
I stand up, turning away from Gus. I place my free hand on my eyes and inhale. I feel a bit of dryness in my throat, and I clear it.  
"Back?"  
"To Pittsburg." And again everything starts rushing. We hadn't been together 3 years and I've wanted this to happen but now.. now where we're we? Where was our relationship? Was there one? I walked over to the fridge taking out a bottle of water, not bothering to get a cup. I drank the entire contents before throwing it into the trashbin.  
"When?"  
What if he came back and started seeing someone else? Thats not what I wanted, for him to come back after all this time and just fucking torture me more.If that was the case he might as well stay. He went three years without seeing my old face he can go the rest of his life. Move on without having me dragging behind him here.  
"I got off the plane already but I'm spending the night at my moms.."  
My head pounded, everything whirrled around me and for a moment I felt dizzy. I sat next to Gus on the couch and turned the sound of the noisey fucking rabbits off the screen down. Of course there was a protest from Gus, but I ignored it.

"I was.. wondering if you wanted to see me?"   
I felt a ping in my heart. See me for what? To let me see how beautiful you've become over the years we've stopped seeing each other? To make me fucking die inside a bit more? No, I really don't think thats a good idea, Sunshine.  
"Well, I don't know. I've got Gus for the weekend, and I don't have a place anymore really.. the loft is just for Gus's sake.."  
"Do you still have that house? No.. nevermind that's stupid.. of course you dont.." I didn't bother to correct him. Why let him know when really he's just coming down for a visit, or to see his mom. He doesn't need to know how pathetically loney I've becme. "A coffee's fine, at anytime..I'll wait till you're free.."  
"Yeah, I'll.. I'll call you.." I lie again.  
"Yeah, ok." he whispers "See you.."

"Alright.  
  
I close the phone down on the charger and sigh deeply, pushing my head down on the couches back cushions. I glance at Gus, expecting him to be watching the muted television. Only he was staring at me, standing on his feet on the couch.   
"Daddy?"  
I raise my eyebrows and smile to let him know I'm listening to him.   
"Whose Justin?"  
I sigh inwardly and then pause for a moment, thinking of an appropriate answer for Gus. Obviously the response 'Hes a guy I used to fuck all the time and then fell in love with and then he finally fucked me by moving to NY' was a little much.   
"He's a man Daddy used to know.."  
"Did Justin hurt you?" He asked, moving closer and tilting his head sideways.

I thought about a response. Yes, he did hurt me. But I hurt him so much more.  
"No, Daddy hurt Justin.."  
"Why?"  
"Because Daddy loves Justin and remember when Mommy told you that sometimes people hurt the people they love by accident? It's like that?"  
"So you hit Uncle Mikey?"  
I laughed and shook my head. I knew he wouldn't understand really, just go back to that night Mel hit Mikey when he tried helping he sit down after she had gotten a bit dizzy. After Gus stopped crying they explained that she didn't mean to really hurt him.  
  
Before Gus to inquire anymore I turned the television sound back on and took the phone to the kitchen to call Lindsay. Sitting on a stool I dialed her number, waiting and wondering if she knew Justin was coming back? If so why didn't she fucking tell me before?   
"Hello?"  
"Whose this?" I asked, not hearing Lindsays voice.  
"You called here, who the fuck are you?"  
"Oh, hey Mel. It's Brian." I sighed. "Is Linds there?"  
"No she's gone to the grocery store to get Debbie some stuff for dinner tonight.. you going to be there?"  
"I don't know."  
"You should, everyones going to be there.."  
"Listen I needed to talk to Linds about something important so have her call me back as soon as she can.."  
"Why dont you tell me? Maybe this time we won't fight.."  
"Doubtful."  
"Listen Brian, we both love Lindsay and she wants this to work the least we could do is try.. But if you don't care enough to make this fucked up family we have work the-"  
"Fine..Fuck!"  
I let some silence kick in before I started. "Justin just called-"  
"Yeah he just called us too, so?"  
"Well fi you'd let me finish.." I said through my teeth. "Anyways, it was a bit of a shock, you know not having heard from him in 3 years-"  
"What? You mean he hasnt called oyu in 3 years? Thats ridiculous. He calls Us and Deb all the time."  
"Well, that makes me feel great."  
"Not one call?"  
"Well once on my borthday he left a message on my machine, drunk."  
"I'm sure it was a mistake.."  
"That he forgot my number but remembered yours?"  
Silence, again.  
  
"Well, he'll be at dinner tonight, so you should come. Straighten it out.."  
Dinner. Tonight. My mind raced. I had Gus, which didn't matter but I still enjoyed out time alone. I looked like shit. My eyes were sunken in and my hair was longer than usual.

I hung up right away and called Micheal.


	3. Chapter 3

  
Author's notes: Sorry it took so long. Please review.  


* * *

**Justins POV..**  
  
Where are we? Or more appropriately, where am I? I keep thinking of ways out. Or quitting. Of running. Of cutting all my hair off again. or growing it all so long I cant see anything. Calling him, and telling him to come live with me from those so many miles away from me that he is. Or leaving and going to live with him in that country mansion that he loved me enough to buy, and he I am, running from him.   
  
I'm going to go back home. So that I can sleep beside a warm body. So that our hands can weave particles together and apart and together again. So that I can wake up to his hair, and my hair. And our smells mingling because they're so motherfucking pretty together. We were always gorgeous together, and we knew it.   
  
Three years, and the only time I could gather up enough courage to call him was a thursday. His birthday. And I was drunk, and crying. I hop he couldn't tell that in the message I left him. I would have thought he'd be home, but was praying he wasn't.  
  
Truth is I'm a coward. I miss him so much I could fucking feel it in my feet. In every breath, and blink. I've found that independence isn't the best colour on me. That I like having someone to depend on. I've spent 3 years taking care of myself, and being my own man. 

  
Now it's time to go home. It's time for someone else to be my man again.

**Brians POV..**

As soon as Michael walked in I screamed to him to watch Gus while I showered. Everything was racing through my mind. I needed a haircut, but It was too late for that now, I'd have to leave it the way it was and pray he doesn't think I'm some pathetic slob. It reached past my ears, almost to my neck and had grown into a dark black colour instead of my chestnut brown everyone was so fond of.

After I shower, I throw on a white dress shirt with a black sweatervest over it, and a piar of black jeans. I walk out, a discontent look on my face waiting for Mickeys approval.   
"Does this look fine.. you know.. for tonight?"  
"Whats so specia- Ohhh!" A grin forms. "Yes, Justin will love it."  
"Eff you." He laughs at my comment. I'd normally go for "Fuck you." but Gus was sitting right next to him.  
"Are you almost ready? We had to be there about 10 minutes ago."   
"Fashionably late Mikey, thats the key here."   
  
I'm hoping that he doesn't see my desperate need to be with Justin. I mean, it's been three years, whats another 20 minutes right? I sigh deeply because I know these 20 minutes will be the hardest. Maybe he'll take one look at me - and my fucking hair - and walk out. Or he'll be too introverted to say anything and I'll be in an awkward position to start the conversation even though I'm supposed to hold my 'I don't care' wall up as much as I can tonight so he doesn't regret leaving (even though I want him too a bit). He needed New York. He needed to be Justin Taylor without Brian Kinney. That's what I've kept telling myself even though there is no Brian Kinney without Justin Taylor.  
  
Gus is squirming in my arms as soon as he spots Debbie. I try and keep him as long as possible so Debbie can put down her plate of pasta becuase we all know Gus will run it from her arms in the midst of clinging to her bright yellow tshirt. Mikey and I walk in, and as soon as the kitchen is visable, so is he.  
  
Blond hair long and shaggy like before he shaved it that one time. His eyes still as blue as ever. And he was holding a tray of pizza in his hand, and a rather mistified look. I kept staring even though Gus was still wiggling and Debbie was telling me it was okay to release him now.  
"Brian!" I pivited my head towards Debbie, smiled slightly and let Gus down, who immediatly ran in her direction laughing.  
  
I inhaled, very unsteady. My palms were sweaty and everything in the room shook at odd moments, like when he blinked. Or glided his tounge along his top lip. He's still a fucking tease.

  
"Hi Brian.." he smiles, his facial expression doesn't change, and I don't respond back. I can feel myself being pushed towards the table by Melanie.  
"Come on Brian, foods getting cold."   
  
And so we sit down and eat, and not at all to my surprise, Debbie has seating him across from me. As if she wants me to fucking die everytime I look up from the ceramic fucking plate that I'm too distracted to eat off.

He doesn’t look the same anymore. Perhaps it is because i have carried his photograph in my pocket too long,and its creased and washed-out colours don’t suit his image when i see him sitting where he is. He looks edgier, bolder. If someone pushes into him on the sidewalk, he wouldn’t budge; he’d hardly raise an eyebrow of surprise or criticism. Yet at the same time, change in him does not change me. At least not the tricks that my heart pulls when I look at him, whether it is a photograph or more tangible evidence of his presence. Was it always meant to be like this? Was it always my obligation to look at him with enamoured eyes?

And in anger, and depression, I find myself talking to him in my mind, like he can hear and like it can make a difference.

Sometimes I really want to hate you, to find a reason to despise you. I want to scream at you, accuse you of betrayal, of hurting me. I have dreams of slapping you hard across the left cheek, a whip-like sound and a rose-like mark left in the shape of my broken desire. I have dreams of pushing you away when you stutter your excuses, gritting my teeth as I whisper,  
 _erase my number from your phonebook; forget I exist. Our life was supposed to be a fairytale. But now I never want to see you again._

But its not me, not how I feel. He's sitting across from me at the table and all I want to do it throw the wooden, food filled wall out of our way and kiss him like I remember kissing him. Before this all got so fucked up.

Its hard to concentrate when I know that he's here. It's hard to focus on the words and the sweet melodies; even the sea of tears and smiles and intakes of breaths. I wonder if anybody has realised that I'm much more nervous. I wonder if he's noticed it's been 2 hours and I've not had a smoke, or a drink. Drinking was the first to go after the whole Cancer ordeal. Smoking hasn't gone completely. The only time I need one is when my heart is slamming so hard into my ribs it feels like it's about to burst right out of my chest. Like right now.  
  
I excuse myself from the table, place my hand on Lindsays back, a small sign to let her no I'm okay. It's a lie, and she probably knows it. Stepping out the back door I notice debbies lawn hasn't been mowed in forever. The high grass reached almost to my knees and I wanted to lie in it and disappear until the night was over. Until I could breathe correctly again. I light a smoke and relish in the feeling for a moment. It's been a few weeks since I've needed one. Thank fuck I was smart enough to know I would need one tonight.  
  
"Got an extra?" The sound was so low I barely heard it. I turned around, to reassure I actually had. And he was standing there, a half smile on his lips.   
Without a word I flicked my cigarette on the ground and pulled him into a kiss. As our lips me I felt every pounding go away and the urge to light up smoke after smoke. I smiled into his lips and embraced him in a hug.


End file.
